I need to stop crushing on other people and crush on myself because I’m awesome and I have so much I can do for myself.
So wombat’s friend just shared that she was at a party. At this party, the girls were hanging out downstairs and the boys were hanging out upstairs. She went upstairs by herself to get her cell phone, and these boys decided it would be fun to beat her with a stick. There is more to this but it’s not mine to share, and I think I’ve shared enough to make it clear why it makes me so angry at anybody male on behalf of all females who go through this kind of shit.
To those people who want to be all, but it happens to males too, I have one phrase for you: FUCK OFF. First of all, I came across the following on tumblr: adding the word ‘too’ after the sentence ‘it happens to males’ is just a way to shift the focus off of the females and that is invalidating and wrong. The only reason people add the word too is because they’re trying to defend men. Men don’t need defense. Men, and women, need to fucking listen to the women who share these experiences and listen again when men share experiences and know that both sexes deserve validation for their experiences of assault.
I’m angry that this woman is afraid to tell her mother, afraid to tell anybody. I’m angry that men think it’s okay to do something like that. I’m angry that men wonder why women refuse to go places alone, and that they get offended when we tell them it’s our protection against them. Why do we bring friends with us? Because maybe something like this has happened to us or to a friend of ours, and we learn to mistrust you pretty fucking fast when our physical, mental and emotional safety is at risk.
FUCK FUCK FUCK
I don’t even know what to do with all the feelings I have right now because I can’t even name them all.
So it’s almost summer and I have mixed feelings about it. I’m excited because I’ve signed a lease on an apartment, but I don’t have a job with enough hours to actually pay the rent.I’m worried I’ll have to just take money out of my student line of credit to cover my summer expenses and then pay that all back in the fall when I have two jobs that will amount to full time-ish work and be able to pay rent and loans. Since I like lists, I’m just going to make one about the things that are on my mind in relation to summer.
1) I secretly want to quit the community support worker job because I’m scared I’m going to get fired. The fear is so far un-grounded since I have not been scolded or otherwise corrected for anything, and the job seems to be going well so far. I guess I’ve gotten so used to residence life work that it feels really odd to be working for a family instead of an organization.
2) I want to dedicate a lot of time this summer, starting as soon as my last exam is over on Tuesday morning, to fitness. More specifically, to increasing my fitness level and being able to feel comfortable in summer clothes. In addition to this, I keep thinking about how, if I had the body, I could do work as a stripper and pay of these goddamned loans because I am starting to feel like I will have debt forever and have so many goals that require not being in debt in order for me to feel confident in pursuing them (travel, getting my M license, learning to fly a plane, etc.)
3) I’ve decided to do psychology of sport online to get one more of my classes done for my degree. I’ve also decided to do some online course for free using coursera. And I’m looking into getting certified for ASSIST, which will help me with the res life career thing.
4) I’m considering applying to volunteer at several places in Guelph since there is a chance I won’t have work, so at least I can build my resume that way. I’ve also got a volunteer position where I write summary articles about recent research in body language psychology, so that will be interesting.
5) I really hope I’ll be able to visit my best friend in Goderich (Or that she’ll be able to visit Guelph) and also that I’ll get a chance for at least one good summer hang out with my cousins. My other best friend and one of her friends have unofficially invited me to come to their cottage party on some weekend of the summer so I also really hope that pans out.
6) I’m really excited that I get to live with my Wombat because it gives me hope that we will have an epic year together, growing and changing in our own ways but also getting to have kindof a last hurrah of close-best-friend-sisterdom before we end up possibly living in different cities for awhile as we do our own careers before (fingers crossed) starting our own joint food/art/whatever we end up with business together.
Anyways. I think that about covers everything that’s on my mind. Aside from my really unrealistic fantasy that the guy, Donald, that I had (have?) a crush on from first year ASCII classes who is going to be an RA in South next year will fall in love with me while I work on duty staff. This is never going to happen. But it still keeps popping into my head. I am so ridiculous.
When I was a kid, I learned about introverts and extroverts and I knew I was introverted much more than extroverted. But then I tried to be extroverted; learned to be extroverted in ways, and lately I’ve realized how unsuccessful that was, and how much longer it’s taken me to learn how to balance my needs with others’ expectations of me because I was trying to maintain something I’m not. Anyway, this video is actually amazing.
I’ve been writing thoughts in a journal I’ve entitled ‘Cranial Wanders’ lately, and I think I like that better for most of my thoughts than blogging them out. I started this blog because I didn’t like writing, I typed things out faster and I liked the idea of my thoughts being useful to some random person out there… but now I feel like my thoughts are useful to me, and they don’t need to be useful to anybody else. I’m not sure whether I want to make the posts on here be more specific to important topics and themes such as feminism, rape culture, inclusivity and all that stuff, or just keep going with what I have and not worry about what anybody reading it thinks. Writing a blog with a specific them means I’ll have to make sure my posts are thoughtful and well written rather than just a spewation of my thoughts in whatever order they come out as…
I keep thinking about going back to RA training that August after my Wombat’s sexual assault and going to the YMCA camp for the teambuilding/training stuff. I hated camp that training year. I felt like such a fraud. Faking normal. I hated keeping my phone off and not having it with me. I hated having to spend nights in a cabin with other people when I needed alone time, especially since they decided to do crisis management training during the day and my manager asked me to go through scenarios with my senior section. I keep thinking of the night that we did this circle thing, where someone would say a statement and then you’d walk into the circle however far you felt the statement applied to you. And they went through a bunch of pre-prepared statements, and then told people to just start saying their own. After a couple other statements, someone said, “walk into the circle if you’ve ever been affected by sexual assault.” So many of us walked into that circle. It broke my heart a lot. Not in the way that loving and losing someone does, but in the way that the pain of the world is just to much to bear does. And I walked into the circle too, and I cried a little bit, and then tamped it down and told myself I wasn’t upset enough to leave the circle… I was weak to get upset and consider leaving the circle. And so, instead of leaving the circle and going to talk to one of the managers who were available for if you got overwhelmed in the circle, I stayed and participated in the rest of it. And then I went down and sat around the fire with everyone afterwards and people were being all happy and singing, and I just wanted to stare at the flames, but people kept looking at me weird and I had to keep smiling at them so they’d think I was ok. And that was too much so I left and started walking back to my cabin, but I didn’t want to sleep or see people there so I went and lay in a field-ish space off the path to the cabin and listened to my ipod and watched the stars and cried some more. Looking back on all of that, I wish I had gone and talked to my manager, or one of the managers. I needed to cry about it and I didn’t. I hated the idea of crying in front of my managers. And I think I was scared that I wouldn’t stop if I really let myself start. And I think I wanted someone to realize I wasn’t OK without me having to tell them.That and some small part of me thought I should save my crying for when I was with my family, because my mom cried about it and then thought it wasn’t right that I hadn’t broken down. But I cried with my Wombat on the dock that day… I’ve cried about it so many times since.
Writing this has made me think of something else. The first orientation week after that summer I managed to sit through the Can I Kiss You presentation (meant to educate students about consent) without leaving, I just had tears running down my face and was biting my lip the whole time because one part of Mike Domitrz’s story is the phonecall he recieved, and it made me relive mine to my parents while Wombat and I sat in the police station. This year (marking a little over a year after the sexual assault), I didn’t sit with my students and when he got to that part of his story I couldn’t stay, I started crying and once I started it just got worse and I left. I had been sitting near my manager. She didn’t even notice. Neither did anybody on my staff team. The only person who noticed and texted to see if I was ok was my friend Meagan who I worked with in my first year of RAing. And of course the support workers who were there to make sure anybody who was leaving was ok/had someone to talk to if the needed. I didn’t really want to talk to them.
God, I think I just wished that someone would have said no, I don’t care if you’re saying you’re going to be fine, I’m going to come stay with you and keep you company while you get to that point. I need to learn to just ask people to do that instead, because no one has ever done that for me before.
Interruption: One of my students just came to my door and gave me a hug because he’s having a down weekend and I asked if he wanted to talk and then we ended up hugging again and he thinks he’s gonna try going to bed but it was just such a sweet little moment. I’m going to check in on him tomorrow maybe.
1. Would you rate yourself as happy or unhappy? What has the greatest impact on your happiness?
Hmm… I think I’m both happy and sad and that is ok. There are things I can’t control, such as what my Wombat must deal with, and that makes me sad. I’m happiest when people around me are happy, so I guess people have the greatest impact on my happiness.
2. Are there any areas of your life where you feel you are out of control?
Yeah, in the fitness department, because I want to get healthier and I fuck it up every time I try. Hopefully my current gyming keeps happening.
3. Do you prefer a tidy, organised environment or a chaotic, disorganized environment?
That depends. Probably more often tidy, but I’m really good at creating messes.
4. Are you more attracted to something if you know it is forbidden?
Not really. But I do think there are times when it doesn’t matter if something’s forbidden or not, you go ahead and break that societal/parental rule anyways.
5. Are you motivated, or demotivated, by competition?
Demotivated. I don’t have confidence when I’m up against other people so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
6. Are you a leader or a follower?
Both… I have learned to be a leader, but I think I feel more comfortable following most of the time.
7. Do you find it easier to do things for others than to do things for yourself?
8. Do you have clear boundaries or do people walk all over you?
I’m bad at defining boundaries. I have learned to say no, but it’s still really hard for me so in some cases people walk on me.
9. Are you a morning or a night person?
I wish I was a morning person but university has changed me.
10. Does being around people energize you or wear you out?
Wears me out.
11. Do you prefer to be in the spotlight or the background?
Background all the way, spotlight is fucking stressful and scary.
12. If you could change one thing in your life, what would that one thing be?
My financial state. I would pay off my car and tuition so that I leave uni with an education and no debt.