I went out last night and didn’t get as drunk as that country song by Kenny Chesney. Instead, I got to the bar and was standing-sortof-dancing with my friends on the dance floor after buying a drink. And then this old hippie-ish dude with scraggly long hair came onto the dance floor and spastically danced around because he wasn’t at all self-conscious. It reminded me of the guy who raped (by the FBI definition…not that you even need any explanatory definition) my Wombat.So yeah… then all of the negative moments of that summer came back and it made me think about all the ways that Asshole was playing a disgusting game of make them think he’s a harmless weirdo and then turn predator. I felt a compulsive need to check multiple times to make sure it wasn’t actually Asshole, and each time I teared up a bit and then tamped it all down and put on a smile so that everyone else could keep having a good night. If that’s how my Wombat feels all the time then it’s no wonder she keeps trying to use the coping methods she’s taken to hiding behind. It just cements the fact that both of us need therapy. But since it’s fucking expensive and I don’t want to put that on my parents I’m going to just go in August when I’m back at school and it’s free for students.
It sucks having to be fake. And it also suck when someone notices and then you feel bad for making them try to make you feel better when there’s legit nothing they can do at that point in time. But I also think that with someone who knows what happened it’s OK to just say it’s shit. And if you want them to distract you then say so, and if you need to be alone, say so. Or if you think being alone is dangerous for you then also say so so they can just be there with you. Most people will do their damndest to do what you ask if you be honest… I think…
Anyways, here’s the rest of the night: I decided to walk home (alone) because it was way too nice of a summer night to pay for a cab. So I’m walking by myself, and this guy tries to say hi. There were a few other groups of people, but no other single people. Which means the only reason he said hi was because I was alone. Which freaked me out. I said hi in a frigid tone, which made him be all “What’s wrong with saying hi?” so I was like, still frigid, “Nothing.” And kept walking. The guy met up with a friend and they were still walking the same way as me, but I stopped to ask a girl sitting on a wall by a bridge if she was ok. She had her phone in her hand so I accepted her response that she was. But while I was doing that these two guys passed me. I was walking faster than them so then I started to catch up with them and the same one from before was like “Why are you following us?” I was getting kindof pissed and also feeling slightly uncomfortable… pissed won out though, and, “I’m not following you, I’m going home. How about I pass you and then you’ll be following me instead. Sound okay?” And then I went past them. And as I did, the one guy tried to touch/grab my arm and be all, “Don’t be like that.” I just said, “Don’t touch me!”, fairly loudly and kept walking at the same pace that I had been… faster than most of the walkers (there was a group of five or six guys much further back). The fact that that man attempted to grab my arm or touch it in an attempt to make me slow down or talk to him or whatever, just speaks to the fact that men (people in general) need to be educated about consent and rape culture and respecting someone’s right to walk down the street without talking to anyone else. I don’t care if I’m acting like a “frigid bitch”, I’m walking home alone late at night and that is not the time to approach someone or the time to try to touch them in any manner, no matter what your intentions are.
Well, actually I just realized I approached that girl and asked if she was ok. But that is a completely different kind of approach than what the guy had, because the first thing I said was “are you ok”, and when she said “yes”, I said “ok, have a good night”, and kept walking. I doubt he was approaching me out of concern for my safety or he would have said something more along the lines of ” Are you ok walking home alone? Would you like me to call you a cab?” So guys, if you’re reading this, don’t freak anyone out by trying to start up a conversation at 2am. It is not the time for such a thing.
In regards to touching, here’s a few links to some things I found on tumblr that fit this post: